They’d always said that she was different. She had been the girl with no family, no home, no name; a nobody in a world of somebodies. She had appeared among the debris of the Great Fire; an innocent baby lying untouched amid the wreckage. No one claimed her as their own; she belonged to no one therefore she was no one.
I pitied the poor, defenceless child, left alone, lying in a pile of ash. The village had been burned to the ground and I had lost my younger sister in the blaze; this baby reminded me so much of her. I took the tiny baby in my arms and held her tight, vowing to take care of her for as long as I lived. I was but a child myself, only eleven years of age, but there was something about this child, something that made me want to protect her forever. I named her Ash, after the residue in which I had found her. This is her story.
* * *
It was in the winter of her ninth year, when the trees had shed all of their leaves and were growing icicles in their place. This is where her story begins, though her story had begun much earlier than that; something I wish I had known at the time.
Ash had been a lonely child; she had loved her privacy and would often walk down to the river to be alone. At night she would sit by the fire and watch the flames flicker before her eyes. I remember worrying about her every day the snow fell and I remember marvelling the very moment when she would walk through the door, warm and happy.
It was sometime during the month of July when Ash had spent the day at home, sitting by the fire. I had been cleaning our small home, unable to venture outside because the weather had grown quite ferocious. I had dusted the tables, cleaned the floor and washed our dirty clothes. As I had sat down to rest Ash got up from her place by the fire and had come over to me, standing by my side. Her curly brown hair fell gracefully over her pale face and her deep blue eyes. We stared at each other for quite some time before Ash spoke to me.
“You loved your sister?” she had asked in a questioning tone.
I had been taken aback by the question. I’d never told Ash about my little sister who had died in the very same fire in which I had found her. No one else in the village had ever uttered even a small greeting to Ash; she couldn’t possibly have known. She kept looking at me though, an innocent look on her face, waiting for my answer.
“Yes, I loved my sister,” I had replied.
Ash smiled at me then, her blue eyes twinkling in the glow of the fire. I smiled back, a little confused, and Ash wiped the smile off her face and replaced it with a serious expression.
“Not everyone loved her; she had her foes.”
For this statement I had no answer. Ash couldn’t possibly know about my sister, I had already established that. We shouldn’t have even been having that conversation, yet there we were on a stormy winter’s day talking about the sister that Ash didn’t even know existed.
Ash smiled at me again before turning and walking towards the fire, taking her place beside the flames. I stared at her, thoughts running through my head.
How could she know?
A week after that strange conversation, I was making bread in our small kitchen when suddenly I could hear yelling and screaming coming from outside. I ran out the door, my heart pounding in my chest, afraid of what may be coming. The day was a clear one; it was still cold but the air was free of snow and ice. People were coming out of their homes, one by one, drawn out by the commotion. Some of the villagers were pointing their fingers towards the path which led down to the river, their eyes expressing their fear. I followed their gazes and saw someone walking up the path. It didn’t take me long before I realised that the small girl was Ash but it was not her that the people were looking at; it was what she was holding in her hands.
A small flame, about the size of my own fist, was hovering above the palms of Ash’s cupped hands. She was watching the flame with such delight, such enjoyment, that she had not noticed the commotion she was causing. I felt like my lungs were about to burst and realised that I was holding my breath. I wasn’t scared liked I had been a moment before but I was frightened of what the villagers might do. I ran towards Ash, much to the horror of most of the villagers; they knew well enough to stay away from the girl. Ash raised her head as I approached and smiled at me, her eyes twinkling in the glow of the flame, just like they had one week before. As I stopped in front of Ash, she held up her cupped hands, an innocent smile on her face.
“Do you want to hold it?” she had asked.
I certainly didn’t want to touch it but the look on her face made me not want to disappoint her. I held out my hands; sweat running from my brow even though the air was cold. Just as the flame was about to touch my skin a loud, deep voice rose up from somewhere behind me.
“Witchcraft!”
I had turned around to find the Mayor, waving his hands about, staring at Ash like she was some hideous monster. I saw men start to grab pitchforks and come walking towards us, the Mayor in the lead. I stayed in front of Ash, holding my arms out, trying to shield her in any way that I could. The men walked up and stopped a couple of metres from us; no one wanted to get too close to the girl with the flame. The Mayor cleared his throat and raised his head in stubborn pride.
“That girl is a witch and she is to be burned at the stake immediately,” he said.
My breath had caught in my throat as the men walked around me and held out their pitchforks towards Ash. I was held back, screaming my lungs out, as they corralled her towards the village square. The people stared as we walked through the streets, following the girl with the flame in her hands. Ash seemed completely oblivious to the fear she had caused; she simply walked with her eyes watching her flickering flame the entire time.
The village square had filled up quickly. The men and their pitchforks led Ash through the crowd and onto the raised platform at the center of the square. On this platform was a single wooden post pointing up towards the heavens. The platform had been cleared of any snow and fresh hay had already been brought from the nearby stable; it was piled clumsily around the post. Ash was led up the wooden stairs and towards the wooden post. One man had a rope over his arm and when it came time to tie Ash to the post she gladly extinguished her flame and held her hands behind her back, ready for her execution. I was still screaming; they would not let me on the platform, wouldn’t even let me say goodbye.
The Mayor came through the crowd now, a burning stick in his hand. He ascended up the steps of the platform and walked over to where Ash had been tied up. He spoke in a low voice; it was meant for Ash’s ears only. I had not heard what he said but Ash had simply stood there, staring into space as if none of this mattered. The Mayor raised the stick in his hand and I caught my breath as he dropped it onto the pile of hay. The hay instantly caught alight and I screamed as loud as I could, trying to get someone’s attention, someone who could help me. No one listened, no one cared.
Ash didn’t seem to be in any pain as the flames licked around the hem of her dress. As the fire started to take hold Ash turned towards me, an eerie smile on her face. I couldn’t smile back, as much as I had wanted to. I couldn’t smile at my baby girl as they slowly and painfully killed her.
Then it all changed.
As the fire grew stronger I, and many others, watched in disbelief as Ash’s hair started to turn a bright red. Her eyes went from the colour of the river to the colour of the sun and she looked like a demon up on that platform. I could do nothing but stare as Ash seemed to start glowing from within, her skin growing brighter and brighter.
Without warning, Ash’s entire body burst into flames.
I screamed like I had never screamed before, a mother who had just lost her baby. My heart felt like it was being crushed under the force of the very post Ash was tethered to.
Instantly the flames began to dance before my eyes. The villagers were absolutely silent; the only noise that could be heard was the crackling of the flames as they leaped up from the platform and flew through the sky. The flames had formed into the shape of a beautiful bird with flaming wings and a long twirling tail. We all watched in awe as the bird flew above our heads, dancing in the air. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.
Beauty can be fleeting and soon the bird was flying low among the houses, setting each of them alight. People started screaming and running in all directions, looking for a way out. Most people did what we had done on the night of the Great Fire; we ran for the river. I ran among the crowd, careful not to trip and fall for that would mean certain death. The river wasn’t far and as we splashed into the cool, flowing water I turned and looked at our village. The magnificent bird had gone and there was nothing left but flames and destruction.
Watching the fire had brought back memories of that first Great Fire, just nine years ago. My sister had perished in that fire but no one had ever understood why. She had been with friends but those friends had all survived. Had someone tried to hurt her or had she just been left behind? I remembered back to the peculiar conversation that I had with Ash a week ago and suddenly it all seemed to make sense.
Everyone had heard of the legendary phoenix, the bird that would perish in its own flames before being born again. Ash had known about my sister, she had known something that no one had ever told her. She had known because she was there, the day my sister died. She had known because she had died that day, my sister.
The fire roared throughout the night and it wasn’t until morning that people started to venture back into the village, cold and slightly frozen. As I made my way towards my burned home I suddenly heard crying coming from nearby debris. Others had heard it too and we all walked over to see what was making the noise. I was shocked, like many others, to find a small baby lying on a pile of ash. I took the tiny baby in my arms and held her tight without a second thought. I vowed that I would never let anyone hurt her, not like they had hurt Ash, not like they had hurt my sister. I walked through the staring crowd and made my way towards my burned home.
I named the baby girl Ash, after the residue in which I had found her but the villagers had another name for her. They called her Phoenix, because she had perished in her own flames and had risen again.
Note
Twitter
Facebook
Reddit
Digg
LiveJournal
MySpace
Report a Policy Violation
the news article as well as check out the individual pieces. We understand that each day you may not be able to check out each and every one of the pieces, everyone has their own things going on. We just ask that you make an attempt to help support the growing Literature community.
Follow us on Twitter
Become a fan on Facebook
Critiques
Critique
I had been taken aback by the question, that I remember.
I find there is no need to add "that I remember" at the end. Just saying "I had been taken aback by the question" would be enough. The last three words are just adding to the sentence without having any extra meaning. We already know that the narrator is remembering this story, so we don't need to hear it again.
I smiled back and quickly Ash wiped the smile off her own face. It was replaced with a serious expression.
These two sentences felt awkward to me, especially the insertion of "quickly" in front of "Ash". Some rephrasing would smooth it out and make it easier to read. A suggestion:
I smiled back, amused, and the smile was wiped off her face, only to be replaced by a serious expression.
I omitted "quickly", since the act of wiping a smile off one's face would be a quick action anyway, like wiping a cloth on a table, and "own" only adds to the redundancy.
I had all ready established that. "all ready" should be "already".
We shouldn’t have even been having that conversation, yet there we were on a stormy winters day talking about the sister that Ash didn’t even know existed. "We shouldn't even be having that conversation, but there we were on a stormy winter's day talking about the sister that Ash didn't even know existed.
taking her place beside the flames. Fire isn't just one flame, it's many. Also, maybe look at finding another word for "looked" in the following sentence, such as "stared", to reflect the turmoil the narrator is clearly in. For extra dramatic impact, take the sentence "How could she know?" into a new paragraph, so that the reader subconsciously registers this more clearly before moving into the next part, rather than reading it as just another sentence in the last paragraph before the next time shift.
A week after that strange conversation, I was making bread in our small kitchen when suddenly there was yelling and screaming coming from outside. I think you might find a comma handy as I suggested in that sentence, since if anyone was reading it aloud he/she would be quite out of breath.
I quickly ran out the door, scared that there might be danger coming. Running is quick, that much we know, so we can get rid of "quickly", since it again suggests redundancy. Also, from what the situation indicates, running out the door after hearing yelling and screaming does already show that there is danger coming of some form, so rather than telling the reader that, suggest it through "showing" words:
I ran out the door, my heart pounding as I scanned my surroundings. Here, it does hint that some form of danger is coming, but the reader would have deduced that, and so appreciate that you are appealing to their imagination. In the following line, get rid of "quite", because unless the coldness of the weather is an extremely important factor on what's about to happen, we want to get straight into what is happening and not dilly-dally around with trivial details such as how cold exactly is the weather.
Some people were pointing, raising their fingers and aiming them at the path which led down to the river. Pointing already suggests people raise their fingers and aim them, so the following description of fingers being raised and aimed defeats the purpose of using the word "pointing". To clear this up, one could simply state it as: "Around me, fingers were pointed at the path that led to the river." The next line fits nicely with it, and in the last line "...looking at, it was what she was holding in her hands. I think there should be a semicolon rather than a comma in that case.
I saw people pointing, whispering, and knew that it was not good. I quickly ran towards Ash, much to the horror of most of the villagers. Ash raised her head as I approached and smiled at me, her eyes twinkling in the glow of the flame, just like they had one week before. I ran up and stopped in front of Ash who walked up to me and held out her cupped hands. Right, a few little niggles here. People are pointing and whispering because there's this girl who's apparently conjured something impossible. We know it is not good in the context of the story, so rather than saying it was not good, you should describe how the narrator is feeling instead that implies that the situation is not good. After all, we may be seeing the action through her eyes, but she is a bit of a detached observer at the moment without being truly involved in it. eg. "I saw people pointing, whispering, and my heart sank, dread pressing me in the chest." In the next line, there is no need with the "quickly" for ran, which I now notice is a repetitive adverb and verb that you use to describe your narrator's running, so a synonym may be useful here, although leaving it as "ran" would also be fine. I ran up and stopped in front of Ash who walked up to me and held out her cupped hands. Well, we already did have a mention of running to her, so really, another mention of her running to Ash is redundant. Also, if you stop in front of a person, there tends to be not a lot of space for someone to walk up to you, so that doesn't make any real sense. Removing those last two points except for the cupped hands would make the description of the scene a lot more realistic. Overall, this paragraph needs rewriting, and my suggestion is below:
"I saw people pointing, whispering, and my heart sank, dread pressing me in the chest. I ran towards her, much to the horror of most of the villagers. As I approached, she raised her head and smiled at me, her eyes twinkling in the glow of the flame, just like they had one week before. Before me, she held out her cupped hands, an innocent smile twitching at her lips."
The men walked up to us and stopped a couple of metres from us; no one wanted to get too close to the girl with the flame. The double mention of "us" interrupts the flow of the story. Trimming it down without losing the meaning would make it flow better: "The men walked towards us, stopping couple of metres away; no one wanted to get too close to the girl with the flame."
"all ready" is to be "already" and the removal of "quite" in the paragraph that describes Ash being brought to the post to be burnt for witchcraft.
The Mayor came through the crowd now, a burning stick in his hand. He walked up the steps of the platform and walked over to where Ash had been tied up. Twice mention of walking again disrupts story flow. Using a different word to "walk" for going up the stairs would alleviate this problem: "He ascended the steps of the platform and walked to where Ash had been tied up."
All of a sudden something changed. As the fire grew stronger I, and many others, watched in disbelief as Ash’s hair started to turn a bright red. Her eyes went from the colour of the river to the colour of the sun and suddenly she looked like a demon up on that platform. I could do nothing but stare as Ash seemed to start glowing from within, her skin growing brighter and brighter. All of a sudden Ash’s entire body burst into flames. I screamed like I had never screamed before, a mother who had just lost her baby.
Using "all of a sudden" to suggest the abrupt change in action is a rather overused, cliche way of introducing that change. This is after all the climax of the story, and to describe that pivotal moment in the story with "all of a sudden" doesn't really give justice to the moment. At this point in the story, the dramatic point in time should be emphasised, and rather than saying, "all of a sudden", leave a paragraph and state, for example:
"Then it all changed."
Then insert: As the fire grew stronger I, and many others, watched in disbelief as Ash’s hair started to turn a bright red. Her eyes went from the colour of the river to the colour of the sun and [suddenly] she looked like a demon up on that platform. I could do nothing but stare as Ash seemed to start glowing from within, her skin growing brighter and brighter. [All of a sudden] Ash’s entire body burst into flames. I screamed like I had never screamed before, a mother who had just lost her baby.
In those brackets, you have overused suddenly/all of a sudden, and it bogs down the story. Change them with synonyms, or use turns of phrases that suggest the same thing, such as "before we knew it", "without warning" etc. Also, in this paragraph, there are so many different, surprising changes. Break those actions up into different paragraphs. So when Ash's body burst into flames, put it into a new paragraph, and say:
"And before we knew what was happening, her body exploded into flames."
<new paragraph> describe narrator's distress.
[Suddenly-get rid of this word] the flames began to dance before my eyes and there was absolute silence [How is there absolute silence in the square if flames are crackling and therefore make sounds? Unless you can somehow justify that they are magical flames that don't crackle, but at this point in time, there is no time to explain that they are, so for the sake of the pacing of the story, we must say that there is silence EXCEPT for the flames crackling] in the square as the flames leaped up from the platform and flew through the sky. The flames had formed into the shape of a beautiful bird with flaming wings and a long twirling tail. We all watched in awe as the bird flew above our heads, dancing in the air. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.
Beauty can be fleeting and soon the bird was flying low among the houses, setting each of them alight. People started screaming and running in all directions, looking for a way out. Most people did what we had done on the night of the Great Fire; we ran for the river. I ran among [incorrect usage here, it should be "amongst", but even then, why run amongst them if you're running away from danger? Wouldn't you want to run with them away from the fires?] the crowd, careful not to trip and fall for that would mean certain death. The river wasn’t far and as we splashed into the cool, flowing water I turned and looked at our village. The magnificent bird had gone and there was nothing left but flames and destruction.
The rest of the story was good and required no correction as far as I could see.
How I rated this/other comments
Vision
I like how you reflected the theme of rebirth and life through this story, and your usage of the phoenix metaphor was quite effective. It was a nice idea with an added twist and worked reasonably well. However, I docked a star from this because I believed that you could take this vision of your story even further, for there is potential to turn this into a better story than it already is now.
Originality
Using a girl who was a metaphor for a phoenix was a nice original twist to the rebirth/new life idea.
Technique
I have spoken at great length about your technique throughout the critique, and I am loath to mention it in even greater detail. However, to sum up all those little things I mentioned earlier, the main things you should focus on is to eliminate the redundancy of certain words, the rephrasing of sentences to induce better flow, thinking about how the placement and usage of words can affect what is being projected into the reader's mind as they imagine the scene, utilising different words without overusing, and most of all, brevity/conciseness, but being descriptive at the right time. All these things could be improved gradually over time through writing, and I believe that you will go far when you master these flaws.
Impact
I am sorry to say that because of mistakes I spotted, I was unable to fully enjoy the story as I preferred to. I would suggest reworking the scenes of Ash being taken away to the platform to where she turns into a phoenix. I did sympathise with Ash at her fate, but then, thanks to the title of the piece, I did sort of guess what was going to happen, which detracted me from the anxious and agonised wait of the narrator.
I hoped this critique has helped you, and I hoped it was not too lengthy and boring for you to absorb. I still think it's a good story, just raw in places and needing a little improvement, and I still think it's a deserving of a fave from me because of the initial idea behind it and the relative effort put into the story.
Previous PageNext PageThank you for your Critique
You are not logged in.